this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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