Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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