..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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