There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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