i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
