You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Im just a social blackout drinker.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
