How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
