Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Someone came in the potted fern
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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