bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
