Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
