If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
