Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
