Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
