I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
