She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
