Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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