Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
