Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
