In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
