There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
