just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
