He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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