I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
