The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How's work?
Spinning.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
