I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
