I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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