Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
