Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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