sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She told me I should be a condom model.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
