My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
