Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
