did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
