i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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