She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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