the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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