i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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