Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
