I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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