I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
