Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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