Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
