In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I could make wine with my vomit
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
