I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
