and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
