I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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