I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
