why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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