Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
