That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pants are for mortals
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
