she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
