If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
