remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
