hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
