My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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