I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
