Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
