Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
